Stop Making "Ideal Spouse" Lists

I did it when I was about 14...

You know, when you sit down and write a list of all the criteria you want your future spouse to have.  Some of it can be extremely good - such as, have a well-providing job or have similar beliefs and goals in life.  But some of it is just fantasy - like, must have brown hair and sweet voice.  (Mama says that my standard of my man needing to be taller than me falls under the latter category, but I beg to differ.)

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is to say: stop with the list of impossible, Disney-inspired criteria.


Because people aren't lists.  People aren't things.  People aren't products that you go to a store for and look through the ingredients on the package until you find the one that fits you, has everything you want, and works best for you.  No one is - or will ever be - perfect.  You won't be.  Your future spouse won't be.

Instead of writing a list of what you want them to be like, be the person who comes across someone with a list already written.  And show them what they didn't even know they were looking for.  Sometimes, people don't know what they really want or need until it's standing right in front of them.

Or better yet... why don't you try working on being the type of person your type of person would want?

Creating these "Ideal Spouse" lists in our minds only fogs the reality we know to be true.  I'm not saying physical attraction isn't usually the first part of someone we find ourselves drawn to.  But it can't be the only foundation.  Because physical traits won't last.  Voices will change.  Faces will wrinkle.  You can't fall in love with beauty or looks.  You can lust after, be infatuated with, and want it.  But once you get to know someone - truly know them - all their physical features start to lessen in importance.  You begin to know their energy, recognize their scent, know what they're thinking or feeling just by looking into their eyes.  This is why, when you have that special connection with someone, any physical 'imperfections' become marks of beauty in your eyes.  And the physicality only adds a bonus to what you love about them on the inside already.

So stop making lists of your ideal mate.  

You will never find someone who adds up to every single specification you have.  You may find someone who is very nearly perfect in everything you want, but there will be some nasty skeletons in the closet, and crappy attitudes that you'll have to deal with.  And they'll have to deal with the same from you.  That's just life.  

But don't treat people as products.  Treat them as beautiful souls.  And one of them may find you beautiful too.


Everyday Blessings // 43

>> riding in a Jaguar convertible (bucket list wish checked off there)
>> star-gazing in an open field...and sleeping there till 5:30am
>> spicy food
>> band practice
>> looking forward to a tattoo appointment
>> applying to colleges
>> kiwis
>> showing a friend around the northwest
>> writing two songs in an evening
>> working on blog stuff in my dining room, with the French doors open and the river view from my porch
>> listening to Frank Sinatra
>> finishing up the April 30/30 poem challenge
>> when someone falls asleep on your lap or in your arms
>> kefir
>> going to Applebee's on the night before they cancelled my favorite sangria
>> it's May!
>> planning summer trips
>> Mike's Hard Peach Cider
>> post shower hair
>> bowls of fruit for breakfast
>> walks around the lake
>> teaching myself how to play my new babe (pictured above... Now accepting name suggestions)


Any exciting plans for May?


3 Ways To Accept [Constructive Criticism] About Your Writing

"How do you deal with people criticizing your writing, even if it is constructive criticism from people who love you? Like I get real sensitive because my writing feels like my baby and it hurts my feelings if people I know like give suggestions and stuff. Any advice?"

"Have you had to deal with constructive criticism from your family and friends a lot? I sometimes feel like mine are my harshest critics. I know they do it because they want me to get better at writing, but it is still hard. Especially if they say my book ideas don't sound that great. It is hard."

These are two questions that I received on my ask.fm.


First of all, constructive criticism pretty much defines itself.  It's an evaluation, assessment, an appraisal of a work - whether well done or not.  
Secondly, the 'constructive' part of the two-word phrase is merely to lessen the blow of someone finding fault in the writing.  
BUT just because someone criticizes your work doesn't mean that what you've written is bad.  Constructive criticism is a useful, encouraging, helpful bit of information from an outside perspective, on something that may or may not be made better.

There are three reminders to accepting constructive criticism that I have learned - and reminded myself - over the years I have been writing.

1) Just because someone is criticizing your work, doesn't mean it's bad.
You should accept the criticism and yes, give it a thought.  Maybe you could've worded this or that differently.  Maybe what you were feeling wasn't conveyed thoroughly enough in what you wrote.  Or maybe you need to quit using that specific scenario or metaphor because it's getting old and you're way more imaginative than that.  Learn to tolerate criticism and use it to move forward and better your experience as a writer.  You can understand where a person is coming from without agreeing with them, you know?

2)  You can choose whether or not to accept the criticism.
After all, YOU are the writer here.  YOU know what you were trying to convey through your words.  If someone criticizes you for being 'too dark', 'too vague', 'too romantic', well they can have that opinion, but it doesn't mean that that wasn't exactly what YOU were trying to transmit through your writing.  But also, remember that you aren't perfect.  Admit when you've made writing errors or that something could definitely be phrased better.  Anyone who has done anything had critics.  
Accepting criticism on something that you wrote from the heart, is like losing a game. There's a good loser or a sore one.

3)  Don't let the judgements of others determine what you write and how you write it.
Constructive criticism is good because it hones your skills.  Some people know how to give criticism well.  Others do not.  
But regardless of either of these, you need to find what you enjoy writing the most about and how you enjoy writing it.  And if someone just doesn't like it - for no other reason than that they just plain don't like it - then they don't have to read it.
A lot of people say to not take criticism personally.  That it's not about you, it's about the way others perceive what you've written.  Well, I disagree with that because, as any writer knows, every thing we write about has a piece of our heart in it.  Like the first question from ask.fm that I shared above says: "I get real sensitive because my writing feels like my baby..."  Oh I know how that is.  You put so much time and care and effort into writing something that it's like drops of blood from your heart are mingled with the ink on the page.  But also, remember this:

Also, to answer the second question, yes - my family and friends do offer me criticism on my work.  I've had some rude things said about what I've written, I've had lots of encouragement, and then I've had some 'You really want to say it that way?' type of feedback.  I used to be extremely sensitive when it came to my writing and what others thought of it.  But as I've learned more about what I write and how I best enjoy writing it, I've come to a point of accepting any sort of feedback with a dose of humbleness too.  Whether it's negative or positive, I keep myself focused on the ultimate goal - to become a better writer.  And that's something I will be working towards my whole life.  So why not accept the bad with the good, hm?


Missing Them

Missing them is going to hurt.  It's going to sting.  It's going to be a kind of pain that you've never imagined.  It's a kind of pain you didn't know existed.  (And I'm sorry you're finding out.)

Missing them is going to feel like someone is loading bricks onto your chest and you can hardly breathe.

Missing them is going to come in waves every now and then.  You'll be going about your day just fine when suddenly, someone will say a phrase they used to, a song will play, you'll find a shirt they gave you...and memories will hit you like a semi truck without brakes.

Missing them doesn't have a deadline.  Honestly, you'll probably miss them for the rest of your life.  They were a part of you.  They held a significant amount of importance in your heart.  Your souls were connected, and may forever be.
Don't rush yourself.
Give yourself time.

Missing them is okay.  It's okay to embrace it.  To accept it.

But remember that there is so much more to living than to spend time focusing solely on the pain of missing someone you cared for.  Okay?

And don't, for your sake, miss life because you miss them.


F i x

One of the greatest notions a human has is that they can somehow fix, or at least help fix, another individual.

But the truth is, we can't.

We can only offer advice, give encouragement, and remind them that we are here if - and whenever - they need us.

It's hard to stand back and watch as someone you love and care for decides to take a bad path, make wrong choices, pick the [bad] influential friends.  Part of you just wants to jerk them awake to reality, and part of you just wants to grab them in a tight hug and whisper, "I'm sorry you're going through this time of life, but please don't do things you will later regret".

It's hard to not be able to fix someone.

It's hard when they accuse you of leaving them when in reality, they're the ones just pushing you away.

I wrote this poem as part of the 30/30 challenge a couple of days ago.  I thought it was fitting to include in this post.

Sorry if this was kind of a depressing thought.  
I'm just experiencing this exact scenario right now with someone who is dear to my heart and it pains me to see them choosing to go back down to the murky swamp they worked so hard to get out of.  They're choosing to leave the high and narrow road.  And there's nothing I can do to stop them.
Except pray.
And I will never, ever cease to do that.


Music Monday | Interview with Zach Morris of Endless Pursuit

In March 2016, three teenaged guys, who call their group Endless Pursuit, released their first single - a worship song entitled 'Renew'.  

Two months prior to its official release, Renew was aired on National Radio on KLTY's New Music Cafe.  Soon after being available for purchase on iTunes, Apple Music, Spotify, the reviews were positive and encouraging, including letting the band know that some churches were using Renew during their worship sets.  

I stumbled upon the band through a simple retweet on Twitter.  And once I listened to their single, I was an immediate fan.  
The lead singer and frontman, Zach Morris, reached out to me and made me aware of their GoFundMe account in preparation for the launch of their second single.  I've already heard a preview of it and I'm excited for it to be officially released.

I asked Zach if he'd be interested in sharing with us a little about the band...

Raquel: Let’s start off with something simple.  Please introduce yourself and tell us about how you got started in music.
Zach: I’m Zach.  I started off in music as a wanna-be rock star; meaning, I was that annoying kid in 8th grade that was always bragging about playing some made up show with some non-existent band of mine that was “better than Green Day”.  This was really before my real relationship with Christ began. But soon enough, after my interest in music and guitar started, I met a guy named Matt Riley who was (at the time) leading worship at the church my family was going to.  After beginning some guitar lessons with him that lasted a little over a year, I decided I wanted to be a worship pastor.  That’s kind of how I began developing into the musician I am today.

Raquel: How long have you all known each other?
Zach: I’ve known Luke for about 3 years, going on 4.  I’ve known Zeke for about 2. 

Raquel: How old are each of you?
Zach: 17

Raquel: How did the band form?
Zach: Luke and I met after a church service at Celebration Church in Georgetown.  We only talked briefly, but long enough for me to see that he knew what he was doing with guitar.  A little while after that we met again at a small group at his house where I bugged him enough about starting a band that he gave in.  We recorded our first song that night using Garage Band, if I remember correctly. 

Raquel: Where did the name Endless Pursuit come from?
Zach: Good question.  It was an idea I had come up with after we had decided our former name was terrible.  The idea was that, even after our walk here on earth is done, we’ll still be pursuing God forever.  Hence the name Endless Pursuit.

Raquel: What instruments do each of you play and did you take lessons or teach yourself?  What is your favorite to play/perform with?
Zach: I mainly sing and play guitar.  I got lessons on both for about a year, then taught myself the rest of the way to where I am now.  If you consider the voice an instrument, that’s my favorite for live stuff.

Raquel: Have any of you ever taken voice lessons?
Zach: I have.

Raquel: Can you share with us who some of your first and current inspirations were/are?
Zach: I think my biggest inspiration - as far as songwriting and playing live goes - is Jon Foreman.  I just think he’s a really cool guy with lots of insightful thoughts about life and its implications upon music.

Raquel: Who are some artists/bands you’d enjoy performing or collabing with?
Zach: I’d definitely like to do something with Jon Foreman.  I think it’d be cool to have him singing and songwriting in the “worship” genre area.  As far as songwriters and bands in our own genre go, I’d have a blast working with John Mark McMillan, Kings Kaleidoscope or Elevation Worship.

Raquel: How many originals have you written?
Zach: I have no idea, but a lot.  I stopped keeping count years ago.

Raquel: What are the goals for the band?  
Zach: To make much of the name of Jesus.

Raquel: What has been one of the greatest blessings about performing and having a following for your music?
Zach: I guess the coolest thing about it is seeing the things that God has put on my heart impact other people in awesome ways.

Raquel: Do you all hope to tour someday?
Zach: Yes.

Raquel: Do you have any projects currently in the works?
Zach: We do.  We’re finishing up recording for a new song and also have another two songs that are currently still in the writing stage.

Raquel: If you had to choose, what would be one word that could sum up who the band is?
Zach: That’s one I don’t feel like I can answer very well.  I guess ‘resilient’.  It’s not easy to do what we do, especially not when you’re still in high school.

Raquel: What is some advice and encouragement you would give to any budding musicians?  Or to ones who have continually run into roadblocks in their path to becoming recording artists?
Zach: I think the biggest piece of advice I could give anyone that’s starting in music is to think long-term.  Nothing’s going to happen overnight.  Today’s emerging artists aren’t brand new.  They’ve been working for years and have been patiently crafting their sound and style.


Facebook: Endless Pursuit
Instagram: @EndlessPursuitBand
Twitter: @EPBWorship
YouTube: Endless Pursuit


Everyday Blessings // 42

>> driving the back roads till 10 p.m.
>> acquaintances who quickly become friends
>> keeping up on this 30/30 Poetry Challenge
>> meeting a friend's girlfriend (and actually liking her)
>> getting drinks with an old friend and restoring our friendship
>> leading worship at a young adult group
>> discovering Endless Pursuit (interview with these guys coming soon)
>> running away to a waterfall on hot days with friends
>> bumping new music
>> when my siblings offer to wash my car
>> having solo worship nights at 11:30
>> needing someone to talk to and Jesus providing the perfect person
>> telling customers they're 'beautiful' or 'good-looking' and seeing their smile of appreciation
>> snuggles with my little sister and brother
>> celebrating National Sibling day by me and my big bro surprising the whole family
>> warm nights, but sleeping with the windows open
>> being able to call my Mama, even late at night...
>> cocktails
>> $5 tips from first time customers
>> spreading a sleeping back on my front porch and spending time with Jesus whilst over-looking the river
>> seeing The Jungle Book movie with my big bro #hardcorenostalgia #thatwasourfavoriteDisneymoviegrowingup
>> when one of my roommates makes me yummy dinners
>> this song
>> plans
>> trusting God to reveal His will for my life


How has April been for you all?


Letting Go Or Loving Less

You broke up with someone and now you're with someone else?  Well that was fast.  Maybe too fast.  Did you really truly care for person #1 or was it all just a facade?

"Feelings aren't immoral," a friend once said.  "Just because you felt something for one person doesn't mean that when you move on and have affections for another, that the first relationship was a fake."

I have learned something throughout my time with people.  Family, friends, individuals.  Sometimes, you need to let them go.  But that doesn't mean you love them any less.

It means that you give yourself the freedom to move on from a relationship that was either not healthy or a love that wasn't reciprocated.

I think part of growing up is learning the difference between someone who wants you and someone who would do anything to keep you.  There's a vast distinction between the two.  And it's up to you to figure out who is who in your life.

Again, letting go doesn't mean you love them any less.  Sometimes it means the opposite.
Sometimes you love them so much that you know the best answer for both of you is time and space.
And that's okay too.
Too often we get caught up in trying to make things work, to make relationships work, to feel that connection, when in reality, maybe it's not supposed to exist.
Maybe not for right now.
Maybe not ever.

I don't have the answer to your "Why?" plea, but just know that you're not the only one having to make decisions and deciding to let certain ones go.  I've had to.  And I probably will have to many more times in the future.  It sucks to think about but I guess that's life.
We love, we learn, we let go, we move on.

Don't ever love less though.  Don't ever gauge your affection for someone on your past experiences.
Every individual is different, but everyone deserves the same amount of love.