When You're A Christian, But Not A Virgin

I have had many girls come to me because they 'don't have anyone else to talk to' and 'don't know how to get over this feeling [of dejection and shame]'.  Why do they feel this way?  Because they had sex before marriage.  And are now suffering from knowing that that was wrong.

Many of these girls are Christians.  Many of them were Christians at the time of their wrong decision.  And I will not try to sugar-coat the truth or try to make these girls not feel that they did wrong.  The truth is that it was wrong.  It was a mistake that they chose to do.  It was a sin because it went against God's command to keep the marriage bed (sex) pure until after a covenant of marital commitment had been established (Hebrews 13:4).  And I won't exclude girls who claim they were 'forced' to have sex because their boyfriend 'wouldn't stop bothering them about it'.  You girls have a choice.  You are your own person.  You can walk away.  You can say no.

I am not writing this to rub salt on your open wound.  I am not writing this to tell you 'everything's going to be okay'.  I'm writing this to you because you need to hear it.

(Disclaimer to the haters:  This article is specifically addressed to girls who chose to have sex, not to girls who were raped or sexually abused.) 

So what's the story?  A Christian girl with Christian standards, biblical morals, life-long dreams, and goals to stay 'pure until marriage' suddenly finds herself on the opposite side of the spectrum and...not a virgin anymore.

To quote one girl who emailed me with her pain and struggle as a non-virgin Christian:

"It's been, I think, six months now since I've done it and I regret so much.  I thought if I do it once, he would be satisfied and it would help our unhealthy relationship become better.  But it didn't really.  Since that day, it has really taken over my life.  It's like a drug and I crave for it...  I'm not the good godly girl I was before, and I guess I became a rebel.  I don't know what to do."

She went on to say that her 'uncontrollable behavior' and 'acting so irresponsibly' has been a continuous cycle, and that she has had to keep this a secret from her family and church.  Her choice has made her feel a need to put distance between them and herself.

"I guess I just wanted to feel something.  To feel loved and wanted."

Don't we all?

"I want to go back to God but I'm so ashamed and confused because if I go back to who I was, I would have to marry a Christian guy... but what if the truth is revealed?  I am so used to my worldly and 'satisfying' but destructive lifestyle now and I don't know if I want to change."

Can you hear her through those words?  The pain, confusion, torment and fight is real.

No, I've never had sex.  Yes, I'm still a virgin.  Then how can I relate to her?

Simply because I am a human too.

I am a woman, with God-designed womanly passions and desires built into my heart, mind and body.  And most of all, because I know what it's like to want to be loved.

It's taken me a while to know exactly how to write this article.  I needed time to think about how I wanted to say what I wanted to say.  And how I could be honest and brutal, yet encouraging and loving all at the same time.

To fix a problem, you must first know what the problem is and how it began.

Sin is a big issue, right?  As believers, we are called to stay clear from anything evil and anything that goes against what God has specifically said 'No' to.  (And if it's not clear, then we just need to use our own common sense and convictions.)

Sex is something He has made clear.

"Marriage should be honored by all, and let the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."
- Hebrews 13:4

This isn't me talking, people.  This is God.

Something else He has also made clear is this:

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
- 1 John 1:9

News flash: NOT being a virgin does NOT keep you from living freely in the grace of God.

Many girls I've talked to say that they don't think 'God can forgive' them or that 'God will forgive' them.  Those are all future tense.  No.  He already has.  How?  Because He knows your life story, and He knew what would take place before it even crossed your mind.  When He first began forming you in your mother's womb, He knew your future.  Your story was already written.  He knew you would have sex by the time you were this age, in this place, with this person.  Does that make Him love you any less?


He won't turn you away when you come to Him with your hurt and shame.  If you ask Him to forgive you, you ARE forgiven.  Any shame and guilt you still feel afterwards is satan and the evil forces in this world trying to make you continually feel unworthy of His acceptance and love.  And you are unworthy.  But that is the beauty of grace.  His grace that can wash away any sin, any shame, any guilt.  Before His eyes, by the blood of His own Son, you are made clean.  Always remember that.  He made you, He called His creation 'good', and even then, He knew you would fall short.

He still loves you.  And nothing will change that so long as you admit your wrongs and ask Him for  forgiveness and grace.

And I pray that you do.  I pray that you choose to walk closely and honor Him from now on with your body.  It's so hard.  I know, personally, how difficult it is to stay focused on the LORD and not be drawn to physical temptations.  But if I can do it, so can you.  We aren't alone in this struggle.  And it's good to admit that it is a struggle.  We're human.  We mess up.  We will continue to mess up.  But that doesn't mean God loves us any less.  Or that He won't come through in the end.

Because He always does.


This post was originally published by Raquel on Brave.