When You're A Christian, But Not A Virgin

I have had many girls come to me because they 'don't have anyone else to talk to' and 'don't know how to get over this feeling [of dejection and shame]'.  Why do they feel this way?  Because they had sex before marriage.  And are now suffering from knowing that that was wrong.

Many of these girls are Christians.  Many of them were Christians at the time of their wrong decision.  And I will not try to sugar-coat the truth or try to make these girls not feel that they did wrong.  The truth is that it was wrong.  It was a mistake that they chose to do.  It was a sin because it went against God's command to keep the marriage bed (sex) pure until after a covenant of marital commitment had been established (Hebrews 13:4).  And I won't exclude girls who claim they were 'forced' to have sex because their boyfriend 'wouldn't stop bothering them about it'.  You girls have a choice.  You are your own person.  You can walk away.  You can say no.

I am not writing this to rub salt on your open wound.  I am not writing this to tell you 'everything's going to be okay'.  I'm writing this to you because you need to hear it.

(Disclaimer to the haters:  This article is specifically addressed to girls who chose to have sex, not to girls who were raped or sexually abused.) 

So what's the story?  A Christian girl with Christian standards, biblical morals, life-long dreams, and goals to stay 'pure until marriage' suddenly finds herself on the opposite side of the spectrum and...not a virgin anymore.

To quote one girl who emailed me with her pain and struggle as a non-virgin Christian:

"It's been, I think, six months now since I've done it and I regret so much.  I thought if I do it once, he would be satisfied and it would help our unhealthy relationship become better.  But it didn't really.  Since that day, it has really taken over my life.  It's like a drug and I crave for it...  I'm not the good godly girl I was before, and I guess I became a rebel.  I don't know what to do."

She went on to say that her 'uncontrollable behavior' and 'acting so irresponsibly' has been a continuous cycle, and that she has had to keep this a secret from her family and church.  Her choice has made her feel a need to put distance between them and herself.

"I guess I just wanted to feel something.  To feel loved and wanted."

Don't we all?

"I want to go back to God but I'm so ashamed and confused because if I go back to who I was, I would have to marry a Christian guy... but what if the truth is revealed?  I am so used to my worldly and 'satisfying' but destructive lifestyle now and I don't know if I want to change."

Can you hear her through those words?  The pain, confusion, torment and fight is real.

No, I've never had sex.  Yes, I'm still a virgin.  Then how can I relate to her?

Simply because I am a human too.

I am a woman, with God-designed womanly passions and desires built into my heart, mind and body.  And most of all, because I know what it's like to want to be loved.

It's taken me a while to know exactly how to write this article.  I needed time to think about how I wanted to say what I wanted to say.  And how I could be honest and brutal, yet encouraging and loving all at the same time.

To fix a problem, you must first know what the problem is and how it began.

Sin is a big issue, right?  As believers, we are called to stay clear from anything evil and anything that goes against what God has specifically said 'No' to.  (And if it's not clear, then we just need to use our own common sense and convictions.)

Sex is something He has made clear.

"Marriage should be honored by all, and let the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."
- Hebrews 13:4

This isn't me talking, people.  This is God.

Something else He has also made clear is this:

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
- 1 John 1:9

News flash: NOT being a virgin does NOT keep you from living freely in the grace of God.

Many girls I've talked to say that they don't think 'God can forgive' them or that 'God will forgive' them.  Those are all future tense.  No.  He already has.  How?  Because He knows your life story, and He knew what would take place before it even crossed your mind.  When He first began forming you in your mother's womb, He knew your future.  Your story was already written.  He knew you would have sex by the time you were this age, in this place, with this person.  Does that make Him love you any less?


He won't turn you away when you come to Him with your hurt and shame.  If you ask Him to forgive you, you ARE forgiven.  Any shame and guilt you still feel afterwards is satan and the evil forces in this world trying to make you continually feel unworthy of His acceptance and love.  And you are unworthy.  But that is the beauty of grace.  His grace that can wash away any sin, any shame, any guilt.  Before His eyes, by the blood of His own Son, you are made clean.  Always remember that.  He made you, He called His creation 'good', and even then, He knew you would fall short.

He still loves you.  And nothing will change that so long as you admit your wrongs and ask Him for  forgiveness and grace.

And I pray that you do.  I pray that you choose to walk closely and honor Him from now on with your body.  It's so hard.  I know, personally, how difficult it is to stay focused on the LORD and not be drawn to physical temptations.  But if I can do it, so can you.  We aren't alone in this struggle.  And it's good to admit that it is a struggle.  We're human.  We mess up.  We will continue to mess up.  But that doesn't mean God loves us any less.  Or that He won't come through in the end.

Because He always does.


This post was originally published by Raquel on Brave.


  1. My wife and I are both Christian, raised it, and we saved ourselves for marriage...but I know lots of people who did not. I've also had many conversation with people who don't think that God can or will forgive. My sister is one of them. She's made many poor choices and regrets all of them, but is somewhat like the girl you quote who said that she isn't sure she can or wants to change. It would be a sad day if she completely chooses not to.

  2. Honestly, I think that most of the problems with believing "God won't forgive me" is because we believe that unless we're perfect we are nothing. It comes from us believing that we have to earn our salvation, not that it is given. I struggle really deeply with some sins, as do we all, and in my life I know that that is the issue by far--not believing that God isn't strong enough to save, but that we have failed him.
    This was a really good post, Raquel. More girls need to see this.

    1. Only Jesus is perfect...

      David, the man after God's heart, did even more unforgivable sins - adultery and murder.
      Did God forgive him? Yes.

      Did he still need to pay for the consequence of his sins? Yes.

  3. Good post. I haven't done it yet but have had impure thoughts for years even thought I know it's wrong. It's embarrassing and I try to stop. I can relate to her pain a bit. It IS hard to stop.

  4. I am not a virgin, but I'm not married (yet). At the time when all of this happened, I was not born again, I wasn't really into church, but I believed in God. Once I was born again and accepted Jesus-- I will be totally honest, sex still happened-- and I'm not going to blame it on 'I'm a human.. and I can make mistakes' because as you have beautifully put, we have a choice. I decided to do that.
    Sex before marriage is wrong.. but is sex-- just sex, is that wrong?

    I can completely agree with one of the girls that emailed in, I wanted to feel loved.. and this was before I had the knowledge that there is an unconditional love of God that surpasses any human love, and there is a PEACE that surpasses all understanding,

    'Impure' thoughts will come, because we are flesh; it is a notification to us to let us know we are flesh.. as you know in Galatians 5:19-22 it speaks about the flesh and spirit.. it's a constant battle.. but as long as we ask God for his help, we will gain that self control to refrain from certain things.

    But I am not ashamed that I had sex before marriage, it's all a learning process. But for the ones that have yet to have sex, if you can save yourself, do.

  5. What a great post. I made it my post of the week and will share it with my 15 year old daughter http://dave-homeschooldad.blogspot.com/2015/05/post-of-week.html

  6. My 2 cents worth of thoughts...

    Did God endorse divorce?
    No, see Matthew 19:4-9. (exception : marital unfaithfulness)

    Did God allow divorce?
    Yes, as per Moses law regarding divorce.

    Isn't that the same with virginity?

    Does God endorse sex before marriage?

    Does God allow sex before marriage?
    If so, let's not beat ourselves up (btw, I did not have sex with anyone before). Set our heart and minds to the correct way. Mark 2:17 - It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.
    And fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, let's not be too harsh on those who sinned (especially pre-marital sex).

    Matthew 9:13 - I desire mercy, not sacrifice.
    John 8:7 - Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.

    However, I have a confession. I find it hard to forgive those who have extra-marital affairs. Pray for my heart to be not calloused.

  7. I made a lot of mistakes with guys in my past ,sexual. Gave my virginity to my ex who was my first and only love. And I engaged in a no strings attached relationship with a friend of mine after the break up as I was clearly at a fragile emotional state and I really just made a very stupid choice to continue it with that guy. It didn't go on for long but it still happened. I was recently saved,but all I can think of is that because of the choices I made,no Christian boy will want to ever be with me and eventually marry me.

  8. I'm 14 and male I really like this girl and she likes me ive been so close to having sex but the back out . I feel so mixed up about it I want to but the next second no . I need advice , I feel like going to confession won't be enough to wipe my sin (if I commit it ) . And then the problem of actually saying it to the priest ... It just scares me

  9. (Warning: Personal Testimony)
    Losing virginity before marriage is a serious thing, but we are not all raised, brought up, or given good memorable examples of why it is a serious thing. I myself was an only child with my parents having a horrible marriage together. I have never thought about or even heard about the importance of virginity or the importance of marriage, or that marriage is ever a good thing. I eventually got all my understanding from a downgraded public school where they TEACH you to not listen to authority (parents, government, etc.) and that your body is whatever you wish to do with or have done to. That was a very dangerous thing to learn as it caused a friend of mine to attempt molestation on me, and eventually as I grew older (16 -17) I yearned so much to be loved. So much that I thought it would complete me to have that one person I could be with for the rest of my life. So I gave my virginity to my best friend male at that time, kept on with the sexual life and I thought I was so happy that I didn't realize until afterwards how toxic it was. We weren't happy together at all but I assumed that's what being with another person is like, you just need to persevere. Eventually it ended and being so emotionally torn I had no care of my body (no eating, bedridden, etc.) that I have let a perverted male touch me, bce I was very depressed. And it made me even worse, I never ever wanted to love again, nor did I want it again bce it hurt far too much. During that time I have met someone at work who prayed that they would have a date with me, and eventually it happened. I was still torn and wanted nothing, but I was very attracted to him at the same time, and was hoping for friendship. He helped me become a born again Christian, taught me many things, helped me resolve my confusion and hurt and was able to show me love. Not in any sexual way, but in sincerity and care. Mind you it wasn't perfect and a lot of his comments made me cry and I was very much avoiding confrontation, and we argued and I cried more but he helped me through it. He is a virgin, and I am not. He despises girls who throw away virginity and cling to lusts, so why did he still stay with me? Because, by his words, he found someone wanting to do the right thing that was tumbling over making so many mistakes, and he had inspiration of God in is heart to be forgiving, gentle, and offered his wisdom to me who had none. I am very grateful after being heart wrenched to find out what love means.
    It is NOT sex that equals love. To love is to be generous with that person. Sex is not generosity! Giving your body to someone is not love!
    To be generous is to FORGIVE.
    God has forgiven us when we are brought down in shame and earnestly repent the regret of our sins.
    Forgiveness can restore you, which is why God's grace is so true.
    Forgiveness comes from love, which is why we need it.
    We need God to forgive us, and his discipline to help us forgive others.
    God will PROVIDE you a spouse. Whether you have waited and maintained being a virgin, or whether you have messed up and are engorged with sin. He still cares for us, if we come to him with our problems.
    I am extremely grateful that I have come across a wonderful human example of what love and forgiveness really is, and how its truly a gift we all know we don't deserve but yearn for.
    But remember not everyone comes to find this at the same time, and that sexual sin is very serious, but not unforgivable. Dont yearn for sexual or bodily desires when God offers his grace, which is so so much more that what we can imagine.
    Thank you for whoever has read this, and I hope you get some form of understanding out of it.

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