Stop Making "Ideal Spouse" Lists

I did it when I was about 14...

You know, when you sit down and write a list of all the criteria you want your future spouse to have.  Some of it can be extremely good - such as, have a well-providing job or have similar beliefs and goals in life.  But some of it is just fantasy - like, must have brown hair and sweet voice.  (Mama says that my standard of my man needing to be taller than me falls under the latter category, but I beg to differ.)

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is to say: stop with the list of impossible, Disney-inspired criteria.


Because people aren't lists.  People aren't things.  People aren't products that you go to a store for and look through the ingredients on the package until you find the one that fits you, has everything you want, and works best for you.  No one is - or will ever be - perfect.  You won't be.  Your future spouse won't be.

Instead of writing a list of what you want them to be like, be the person who comes across someone with a list already written.  And show them what they didn't even know they were looking for.  Sometimes, people don't know what they really want or need until it's standing right in front of them.

Or better yet... why don't you try working on being the type of person your type of person would want?

Creating these "Ideal Spouse" lists in our minds only fogs the reality we know to be true.  I'm not saying physical attraction isn't usually the first part of someone we find ourselves drawn to.  But it can't be the only foundation.  Because physical traits won't last.  Voices will change.  Faces will wrinkle.  You can't fall in love with beauty or looks.  You can lust after, be infatuated with, and want it.  But once you get to know someone - truly know them - all their physical features start to lessen in importance.  You begin to know their energy, recognize their scent, know what they're thinking or feeling just by looking into their eyes.  This is why, when you have that special connection with someone, any physical 'imperfections' become marks of beauty in your eyes.  And the physicality only adds a bonus to what you love about them on the inside already.

So stop making lists of your ideal mate.  

You will never find someone who adds up to every single specification you have.  You may find someone who is very nearly perfect in everything you want, but there will be some nasty skeletons in the closet, and crappy attitudes that you'll have to deal with.  And they'll have to deal with the same from you.  That's just life.  

But don't treat people as products.  Treat them as beautiful souls.  And one of them may find you beautiful too.


  1. My mother has always warned us against setting up "ideals" for our future spouses. She tells us that "God hears that, you know?" and he doesn't have a problem with upsetting all of our expectations. For instance, my mom never wanted to have children and she thought beards were disgusting...and lo and behold she met my dad (he has a beard, a pretty awesome beard) and married him and they have eight children now. :P

    Dani xoxo
    a vapor in the wind

  2. What's your beliefs of online dating? Eharmony was created by a Christian. He believed that similar passions and goals would lead to successful marriages. Therefore, he created an 'matrix,' which is used on the website eharmony.

    1. I actually wrote an article about online dating here - http://www.itsjustraquel.com/2016/06/i-tried-tinder-for-five-days.html