Your Single Identity

I attended a women's conference recently, and the topic of the day was "Identity".  The first speaker shared her personal testimony of the truths she has learned as a 25-year old single woman and I must say, she made some great points.

So many young women believe the lies - instead of the truths - of being single.  Some of which are, "I must be doing something wrong because I'm still not married", or "Maybe I'm not good enough", or "My goal in life is to reach the Not Single relationship status because that's what's most important".  Our culture, peers and media [not so] subtly encourage us to base our value on our relationship status.  If we're not in love, we don't have anything to live for.  We're just waiting for our real lives to begin, waiting for that perfect someone who will fulfill all our happiness.

See, the problems with these statements is simply the fact that they're all based on self.  And your appearance to others.  These are selfish reasons to want to be in a relationship.

So often, singles think and believe that marriage is the end goal.  And that singleness is 'the waiting room'.  That God has their life on hold until He allows them to meet the 'right one'.

First of all, you are where you are because you are in God's will, not your own.  He is not limiting your life because of your singleness.  He is not being mean.  He is not teasing you by giving you desires and not fulfilling them.  And secondly, whether you believe this or not, you ARE in a beautiful place.

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
- Psalm 84:11-12

Relationships are temporary.  Marriage is temporary.  There will always be desires in life - whether to get married, to have a baby, to get a new car, to travel.

I understand the difficulty of finding your single identity in a world of married folks though.  It can be pretty tough.  But your status in life will always be changing.  You're not always going to be a high schooler, you're going to need to find a job, you might apply to a college, you might have to move and leave behind everything that is familiar and dear to you.  And then what?  You'll need to find your identity again.

God designed us with the desire to be social, to love our fellow humans, to want partnership.  You don't like the feeling of loneliness.  Neither do I.  It's completely normal to want to share your life with someone, to be able to experience life's adventures with someone you love by your side.  There's nothing wrong with that longing.  BUT that should never make you base your value and identity on whether or not you're in love or are in a relationship.

As singles, it's good that we look for role models of other singles who we could look up to, learn from and mimic.  Some individuals such as Jane Austen, Sir Isaac Newton, Corrie Ten Boom, Amy Carmichael...but what about our Savior Himself?
Jesus' identity was found in His relationship with God, not in His relationship status.  He was the Son of the Trinity.
But wait, aren't we children of God?

"...just as He chose us in Him before the foundation got the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.  In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesuse Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved."
- Ephesians 1:4-6

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are."
- 1 John 3:1

Do not base your identity in what the world tells you to - being in love, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, getting married, etc.
Base it on the One who designed you and has a purpose for you in life - whether single or married.  He's working His perfect will out in every circumstance you find yourself in.  And being identified as His own son or daughter is more worthy to be praised than any other level of achievement you could ever reach.
Find your identity in Him.


  1. Excellent thoughts, Raquel! I've been thinking on this subject a lot lately as well. I love the examples you listed. Another great example is the apostle Paul, who like Christ, found his full joy and identity in the service of Christ and even believed his singleness was an advantage in serving and ministering. Whether we are single forever or temporarily, we should all see singleness as an opportunity to seize instead of, like you described, a waiting room.

    And I should add that the best use of our time as singles is not devoting our lives to ourselves, but to our Savior and the life of the church.

    Dani xoxo
    a vapor in the wind

  2. I'm so glad you came, Raquel! I'm just sorry I had to rush off and couldn't talk! But I'm encouraged to hear your thoughts--you are right that those first reasons for wanting relationship are selfish. I think, sadly, that singles are often selfish. In contrast, motherhood is one of the most self-stripping roles I know of, so we singles just have to look out for opportunities to strip self away in our daily lives. Love you!

  3. One of the best posts EVER on this topic!! Thanks so much for this!!