2.10.2017

She Chose

She didn't lose him.  She let him go.

She didn't let him go.  She pushed him away.

She had to walk away, she had to move on.
Not because she didn't care for him anymore or because she was bored of who he was.
Not because she wanted things to end.

But because it was what was best for her.

Staying was hurting her, leaving was painful, trying to love the person he used to be was killing her.

She didn't want to cut him out of her life.

She didn't want things to end.

She did try to make it work.
She never doubted he wanted it to work out too.

But sometimes, life is against us.
And life was against them.

And she was forced to choose.

And she chose, she decided, she walked away with her head held high and her heart torn.

And with every step, she reminded herself that things weren't the same anymore and no matter how much she tried, no matter how much she waited, no matter how much she went back to square one to start all over again, to try again, life was changing.  And she was changing with it.  And he was too.

She didn't forget him.

She didn't hate him.  She never could.

She was just tired of being unhappy and thinking that they would be happy together.
She was tired of asking him why he was hurting her.
Instead, she asked herself why she allowed him to continue causing her pain.

Because, truth is, in another life, she would run back to him in a heartbeat.

But right here, right now, she was walking away.

And it was the right thing to do.

And it was going to be okay.

2.08.2017

6 Things I Learned After Moving Out


I didn't move out of my family's home until I was 20.  It wasn't an act of rebellion or because I hated my family/parents and wanted to get away from them.  It was just simply the right time.

I first moved in with two roommates in a house about five minutes from my family (see? I wasn't running away).  Then moved in with an uncle for about six months.  Then, most recently, moved to a townhouse, in which I live in the private bottom level of.

Moving out and being independent has taught me many lessons.  A few of which I shall now share.

1.  I miss my family.  Like, a lot.
I grew up in a family of 9.  There was always some sort of noise, voices, chores being done, laughter, cleaning, etc.  The only time there was peace and quite was at night, after everyone was tucked in bed.  Since moving out, it's nothing but quiet at my house.  I crave the times I get to go visit my family, and it physically aches whenever I drive away from them, from the home I grew up in, from all the hugs and kisses I get when I am there.  Moving out has taught me even more to cherish my family and the times I get to spend with them.

2.  Home-cooked meals are life.
Living on my own has definitely taught me that eating out and grabbing something here and there isn't always the best option.  Cuz, holy crap, will it cut into the budget.  I do love cooking, though, so grocery shopping is life-saving, and making meals that last me a couple days are the best.  But, going home and eating an amazing meal cooked by Mama...well, there's nothing better than that.

3.  Budgeting is key.
Keeping track of every nickel and dime, asking myself "Do I need or want this?" at the store, making sure I keep receipts, write down how much I spend each day... This has all been something I've forced myself to do when I moved out, and it has saved me a lot of pretty pennies.

4.  Don't become complacent.
One of the millennials worst traits is being apathetic and complacent.  "I'm bored af" is a commonly used phrase.  And one I never use.  Why?  Because the moment I start feeling lazy is the moment I can find something to do, some way to make this world better, some time to do something new, to do something that matters.  Living alone, working hard, coming home to a quiet house can sometimes just make me wanna go plop on my bed and watch Netflix for the rest of the day.  But I know that isn't profitable, and it's not gonna get me ahead in life.  I'm not saying that Netflix and chill is never a good idea.  But just don't make it a habit.

5.  Adulting.
You really aren't an adult until you move out and can live a year without calling your parents up for money.  Let's just say that. #responsibility

6.  You learn lessons.
Okay so I've screwed up on certain things when it comes to being independent and making my own choices and choosing where to live and work.  But hey, life is about making mistakes and learning from them.  Moving out has given me the opportunity to learn knowledge and skill on my own.  And it really has been good for me.

2.06.2017

Heartbreak Healing

"How long does it normally take to get over a heartbreak?"

I received this question on my ask.fm recently and
dear soul, let me tell you.
There is no deadline, no normality, no certain period of time that is exceptional for healing from a heartbreak.
Every human is different.
Every heart gets hurt differently.
Every healing depends on so much of what occurred.
There is no way to be able to say how long it should or will take you to recover from something that affected you so deeply.

You see, healing from a lost love is no easy task.  It's not something you can make yourself do.  You can't "get" a new heart.

You're never going to forget them.  Your brain doesn't function that way.  I wish it did.  I truly do.  But you're always going to remember the color of her eyes.  You're always going to remember the way your fingers locked with his.  You're always going to have the memories hit you whenever you hear a certain sound, catch a scent of their perfume, drive by that one place you parked and made out for a few hours.  You'll miss their hugs on lonely nights, their laughter during summer days, their lips on your neck and hands.  The nights will come, and sometimes random moments throughout your day, when you will feel literal physical pain at just the mention of their name.
All the feelings will rush back.
And you'll have to suppress them just to be able to breathe again.
And yes, suppress.  Not forget.  Because you're never going to fully get over them.
You're going to miss them with every fiber of your being.

People will tell you to just "fall out of love", to "just forget them", to "move on".  And you could try to do all those things.  Honestly, you probably will fall out of love, you will be able to move on one day.
But you'll never forget them.
And you won't be in love with them, but darling, you will always love them.  A piece of your heart will always be theirs.  You will always have fond memories of times together.

And how does this answer your question?

How does this help?

Because even though all of this will happen at one point in your path of healing, you're going to be okay.

You'll get through it, I promise.

You won't be in love with them, but you'll still love them.  You'll care for them - maybe even moreso than you ever did.  But in a way that says "We were each other's once, but that was in another lifetime.  And now, we've gone our separate ways, but we'll always have our memories."

And damn it, maybe you'll find someone else.

Promise me something though?

Promise me that you won't give up on love.

If someone comes along and makes you feel things you have never felt before, or makes you feel a way you haven't felt since "they" exited your life... Darling, please.  Please don't let them go.

Never stop hoping for love.  Never stop hoping that someone else is just around the corner from you.

Never stop thinking you won't fully heal.

Time heals all wounds.  It really does.  Give yourself that much.  And know that there's no set end time.  No formula to follow.  No pattern to memorize.

Live.  Love.  Heal.  Repeat.

2.03.2017

Loneliness Is Lethal


Since moving to a new area, one of my main priorities was to find a home church to plug in to.  Back when I lived in Washington for six months, I had found a good, solid young adult group that I visited every Sunday evening for a fellowship dinner, worship service, and sermon.  I was sometimes asked to lead worship too.  I loved being a part of that group.  And felt encouraged after every time I went.

After moving, though, I am now about an hour away from said group, and I was eager to find a new church to transfer my roots to.

During the time I had been looking for an apartment, I joined a Facebook group in which Christians all over the state, posted ads - either looking for roommates or offering places to live.  One couple contacted me about an apartment they were moving out of, and asked if I would be interested.  I was but the rent was a little high and it wasn't in the area I was looking to be.  Regardless, we stayed friends on Facebook and I noticed the husband post things about a church in downtown Portland.  Turns out he was the pastor of it, and after I commented on one of his posts, he reached out to me, inviting me to join them one Sunday.

It was a couple weeks before I was able to but when I did, wow was I blessed.  Not only did I feel that God had led me to this church through mysterious ways (looking for an apartment + meeting the pastor through a Facebook housing page + him reaching out to me + the church is only twenty minutes away) but the message was so, so good.  And one of the points the pastor touched on was how loneliness is lethal.

"Loneliness is as unhealthy for the human body as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.  But to the spiritual soul, loneliness is lethal."

We, as humans, are not meant to do this thing called "life" all alone.  We were created with a need for relationships and security.  And we, as Christians, aren't meant to fight by ourselves.  The enemy knows how lethal loneliness is.  And he'll always try to get us at our weakest points.  He'll try to make us think that we've failed, that we're worthless, that nobody loves us, that God doesn't care about us.  And when you're lonely, sometimes you start listening to his lies.  You're just too tired and weak from fighting, and because there's no one else there to speak truth into your life, you tend to give up.

This is why, in whatever way possible, you need to connect yourself to believers who will encourage you and pray with/for you.  You need that support system.  Everyone does.  Search for a place to call "home".  Church isn't just about going once a week, sitting in a pew and listening to a sermon.  Church is about family; about fellowshipping with siblings in Christ.  And you can't gain personal relationships with people when you're sitting in rows.  You need to connect, to talk, to get together during the week, to gain trust, to feel like you have a safe environment to share your struggles and get counseling and encouragement.

Seek and you shall find.  God will always honor His children who strive for a closer walk with Him.  And He will always provide in times in need.  He loves us and wants us to continue in His joy.  And loneliness definitely isn't included in that.

My advice would be to start looking in your community for faith-based outreaches and places you can plug in to and get to know believers in your specific area.  It might be hard at first, but start visiting some churches, and then inquire about any groups they may have.  Either Bible studies, or adult groups, or action groups, anything that would surround you with believers who will befriend you and make you feel welcome.  If there's absolutely nothing in your area (which I will find a little hard to believe) or you've tried out places but don't feel like it's where God wants you to be, try reaching out to online Christian communities, and maybe even meeting up with people in person you meet through that.  Everything is available at our fingertips nowadays, including Facebook groups and Twitter accounts that are aimed specifically to different Christian age groups.

Seek and you shall find.  Pray that He'll provide the best place for you to get involved in.  And He will.  I promise.

"For the LORD will not abandon His people on account of His great Name, because the LORD has been pleased to make you a people for Himself."
- 1 Samuel 12:22