When I Don't Have It Altogether
I'm just trying to figure stuff out, you know? But I don't know how to. And it frustrates me because I'm the type of person who likes to have goals, likes to have a plan, likes to have a step-by-step process outlined for accomplishing things in life. I don't have an ounce of patience, which is definitely something I need to work on. And maybe that's what God is teaching me right now because wow, is it hard...
Have you ever felt like you're just trying to catch up? You're trying to get the bills paid, you're trying to make ends meet, you're trying to make the right decisions, you're trying not to fall flat on your face. This is what my life has consisted of lately. But I never feel like I fulfill my goals. I feel like I'm falling short of it. Like I'm standing on my tippy-toes, stretching as far as I possibly can, but it's just out of reach. And I don't know what "it" is exactly. Maybe it's just getting to a level of feeling like my feet are under me and I actually have control of my life for once. Yeah, I think that's it.
But I never get there. And it frustrates me to no end. I feel unhappy. I feel unfulfilled. And I've heard a lot of people say that "There's a void in your life that only God can fill", but I know this isn't that void. Because my relationship with my Jesus is healthy, it's strong, we're in constant communion. I talk to Him all day, every day. I spend hours of time in His Word. I eagerly look forward to Sunday mornings to be able to go to church. I'm not saying all these because it "makes me a good Christian". I'm stating facts about my spiritual life to show that no, I'm not lacking in that. So what is this empty feeling I have? Why do I have it? What does it mean?
Well, to be honest, I don't know.
And that makes me even more frustrated.
I was telling a friend about this. Well, more like blubbering it because I was so emotionally distraught and just plain worn out that I was crying while talking. He reminded me that God has a plan for all of this. And I was like "Yeah, well it's hard and it hurts and I don't like it. I'll never understand why and how something beautiful can come from something so painful. But I guess that's what makes Him such a Miracle Worker."
He's up to something. And I'm gonna have to wait and see the reason behind all of this waiting and learning and listening and crying.
In the end, I know it'll be worth it. I have to just keep reminding myself of that.
Maybe you're going through something similar. Maybe God is testing you, like He's testing me, and having us work out our faith through patience and trust. It's hard. I know exactly what you're feeling. Trust me. And in my experience, it's always encouraging to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way, so I pray it's the same for you.
You aren't alone.
God is good.
Stay the course.