every feeling I had buried over all of those years was still alive


growing up, I was always taught to not listen to my feelings, to my emotions:

because they change, they come and go, they are just feelings.

but as I grew older and matured - and especially at the beginning of my awakening journey - I cut ties with the "ignore your momentary feelings" mindset.  I started acknowledging my heart space traumas.  and it was hard.  it was scary.  because the consistent factor I found was that every feeling I had buried for all of those years was still alive.

and it was like they came to the surface... all at the same time.

especially situations that I experienced as a child.

being told, at a young age, that whatever you are "feeling" should be ignored creates a defensive wall.  and it's traumatic to pull that apart.  to rewire the way your brain thinks, and allow your heart to feel.

learning that everything that I was taught is the exact opposite of how I should be living... wow.  it shook the very core of who I am.

we are energy.  

we are spirits.  

we are merely borrowing this physical domain.  

and the way our body, our hearts, our emotions react to situations is our intuition

I didn't even understand what that meant until a few years ago.  I would have a "gut instinct" about things, people, places, but disregarded it as "just a feeling".  little did I know that tapping in to that, instead of pushing it away, is where my true power resided.

it's not about "judging".  it's about resonating with or against the energy we, as energetic beings, are instinctively picking up.  that is what we should be listening to.  not people who tell us to hush our hearts.

I hope that you come to learn this sooner rather than later.  and when you do, you will be gentle with your self, with your heart, with your inner child.  show yourself grace.  take it a moment, a feeling, an emotion at a time.  but listen.  your intuition is waiting to be heard.

I disagree that "you shouldn't change for the person you love", and here's why...


"Don't go in to a relationship thinking that the person will change."

"Don't expect someone to change for you."

"Don't think that they'll change because they love you."


I have heard all of these statements (and more!), and frankly,

I disagree.


1.  Relationships are built on the foundation of selflessness and forgiveness and grace.  

With any and all types of abuse aside, there really aren't exceptions to people not changing for their relationship / significant other.. unless they are simply selfish and unwilling to better themselves.

In a world where we are taught that "if they love you, they will accept you for who you are", I say "if they love you, they will challenge you to be a better version of your self, and love you along the way".

Yes, there are unhealthy expectations, like "I want him to always be affectionate with me" or "I want her to play video games with me".  These are unreal, based solely on the fact that not all humans enjoy being affectionate 24/7 or playing video games.  

But on the other hand, there are healthy expectations - such as maintaining a budget, taking care of our bodies (skincare routine, yoga, going to the gym), learning how to cook, or (my personal favorite) learning how to communicate.  Oh now that's a fun one.  Especially for new couples.  And it's also a good example of "changing"...

At the beginning of every relationship, lots of information and details are shared.  Most of them are done from excitement or simply having conversational rabbit trails.  But after a certain period of time together (this is different for every couple), there will always be that moment of disagreement, head-butting, or even feelings being unknowingly hurt.  This is where communication comes in.  And not just how you communicate, but how your significant other will receive it.  If one half of this couple is very assertive and expresses their thoughts very boldly and straightforward, the other half may take it as a harsh reprimand or as a deal-breaker due to how they receive this information.  And thus begins the "communication conversation".  In a healthy relationship, that conversation would end with both partners being willing to adapt to the others' preferred way of communicating - due to their personality, sensitivity and skill of understanding.  This is a perfect example of changing for one's partner.  It is not an unhealthy ask.  It is an adaptable change for the good of the relationship.


2.  Changing for someone and for your relationship takes time and effort.  Learning about the other person, their likes, dislikes, love languages, best way to communicate, their preferred way to process things, etc. all comes with time.  But you also need to pay attention.  Couples are usually formed by two opposite individuals who, miraculously, are attracted to each other and want to do life together, and sure, the honeymoon stage is a thing.. but cultivating a healthy relationship takes intentionally focused effort over time.. and a lot more give than take.  Finding that healthy balance is something you will probably be doing for the rest of your lives together.  Why?  Because people change.  Sometimes unconsciously, sometimes intentionally.  But either way, being someone's partner means accepting and loving them throughout their journey.  Seeing and acknowledging their changes is vital too - not only to encourage them, but also to challenge them.

And I'm going to say it again: a healthy relationship cultivates growth.


3.  When you and your partner communicate to each other: what makes you feel certain types of ways, what makes you feel loved, what makes you irritated.. these should not be listed as complaints or accusations.  Rather, they are ways of letting you know what needs attention, what needs to be corrected, or what would benefit your relationship most and create a grander future for the two of you together.  Take time to listen and discover how you can love your partner in and through a way that they communicate with you.  This will not only affect your relationship, but also your self.  And what better quality to have in your significant other than to be challenged by them to be a more refined version of you?



4.  I read a quote somewhere recently that said "The most important thing you should know about relationships is that a healthy one won't hurt".. and again, I disagree.  Why?  Because a healthy relationship doesn't just blossom from two individuals loving each other.  A healthy relationship takes work.  It takes messy work.  Hard conversations will have to be had.  Triggers will need to be identified.  And major, major trauma will be unearthed.  These are all good and necessary.  But it will hurt.  And if you have been blessed with a partner who understands the depths of these relationship growth spurts, then you will both realize and see the need for: change.  Relationships have a way of bringing things to light that you never thought you would have to deal with.  It will bring out character traits in yourself that you didn't even know you had.  It will get messy.  It may even get ugly.  But the beauty of healthy relationships is that trust and dependence on your partner to love you through those uncomfortable times.  Yes, they may call you out on your shit and be like "hey that's a problem", but trusting that they will do so out of love and be willing to help you in whatever way you need them to.. now that is something worth fighting for.  

Your partner can't change you.  But they can help you address areas in your life that need to change.  And when you acknowledge your faults and shortcomings (which is never easy), the intentional growth can start to happen.  You can and should change for the person you love, but first, you need to change for your self.  It will not only benefit you, but also your partner and your relationship together.  





12 tips on moving...from a nomad 📦🏡

I have had several people ask me how my move from Texas > Oregon went.  

well, for starters, I drove the whole way. 
2,155 miles / 32 hours.. only stopping twice to sleep in my car at rest stops, and then to visit family in California. 
 
looking back on it now, it went pretty quickly.  with my adrenaline so high and also, focusing on being home, it helped the trip seem short.


this was my eighth time moving.  second time moving out of state.  and every time, I find myself learning more and better ways to make the move easier.  here are some tips that I have found most helpful in my personal moves, and will hopefully be for you too!


1.  start earlier than you think you need to
start getting a rid of things.  start selling.  start sorting.  start packing.  
if you don't have an exact date for your move, then set a tentative one. this will help you with goals, and planning.  but seriously, you can't start soon enough.  once you know you're going to move, have that mindset with everything.  don't buy new things.  save your money even more.  don't eat out.  
trust me, it will all be rewarding in the end.

2.  Facebook Marketplace is your friend
it used to be Craigslist, and I suppose you could still use that site, but I wouldn't recommend it.  Facebook Marketplace is the hub of buy/sell/trade.  utilize this platform for everything.  sell things.  search for your new house/apartment (that's how I found mine!).  you pretty much can't go wrong with it.  and again: start as soon as you can.

3.  detach
before even trying to pack, you need to sort and detach.  detach from anything you do not need.  detach from anything you do not use.  detach from anything that connects you to past friendships, past relationships, past jobs, even the house you are moving from.  detach from anything that no longer serves you.  
and sometimes, this can take one, two or even three different sorting sessions.  this is another reason why you should start earlier than you think.  one week, you may have ten pairs of jeans, but by the day you actually move, you may have narrowed it down to just two.  
ask yourself why you need certain things.  ask yourself how you feel about them.  ask yourself if you will absolutely, 100%, without question need this specific thing in your new home.  
be strict with yourself.  it may seem harsh, but I can almost guarantee you that anything you choose to part with, you won't even miss later.

4.  take only the necessities
to me, the necessities are things you will need upon first arriving to your home.  bathroom essentials?  for sure.  sheets and blankets?  yup.  your $500 water filter system?  absolutely.
that big laundry basket?  nope.  your tv?  no.  all 25 of your plants?  ...ugh... this one was hard for me.  but I did have to part with some of my plant babies, due to no room in my car.  (pro tip: plant starters are easier to take;)

5.  eat only what you have
in an effort to save money and also not to waste anything, eat only what you have.  empty your cupboards, clean out your fridge.  keep anything that isn't perishable for you to take on your trip!

6.  sell as much as you can
Plato's Closet or your nearest thrift store are always good choices for selling clothes.  used book stores are good for books, movies, collections.  oh and again, Facebook marketplace.
this not only helps you downsize, but also hey, $$ for the move!  
get a rid of as much as you can!  and remember: detach.

7.  clean
clean as you pack.  whether this be clothes, dishes, jewelry cases, etc.  
once you get to your new place, you'll be able to unpack and set up your home without worrying that things are dusty or dirty.  maybe this is just me being a bit ocd about cleanliness, but it was a genuinely nice feeling, knowing that everything I was unpacking was clean and ready for use.

8.  give things away
if you can't sell certain things - or don't want to, because of sentimental value - give these things away to family members, friends, or coworkers.  these will make great little going-away gifts and also, help you downsize.

9.  mail things to your new address
being an avid reader, I have tons of books.  I did end of up selling a lot of them (easily replaceable ones. I definitely kept ones with sentimental attachment), but the rest, I mailed to Oregon.  books can be sent Media Mail, which is the cheapest (and disclaimer: slowest mailing option) with the post office.  I sent three 40lb boxes of books for about $100.

10.  suitcases and bags are better than boxes
they are easier to pack things in, and seem to fit better in cars than cardboard boxes.  also I've heard vacuum sealed bags are handy.  I haven't personally used them, but I can image they're great for storage spaces.

11.  utilize necessities that you're already taking
this ties in with suitcases and bags ^
use any towels, sheets and blankets to wrap fragile things.  bubble wrap is also very helpful, but I tried not to buy too much since I was 1) saving money and 2) already had things I could use for breakable objects.  I even wrapped some stuff in my clothes and socks.

12.  sleep in your car
in another attempt to save money, consider not booking any Airbnbs or hotels along the way.  I had my little car packed full with non-perishable things on the bottom, then I layered my pillows and blankets on top of it all (all fragile things were on one side).  and I stopped at two rest areas to climb into the approximate foot of space on top of my belongings to catch a few hours of sleep.  if I can do it, you can too.

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I hope this was helpful.  let me know which tip was the most insightful.  or if you have any others you would add to the list!

first entry in this new season

there's something romantic about being an early riser. you get to enjoy the first quiet moments of the day. having been a barista for over 7 years, and primarily working the opening shift, my body has grown accustomed to waking up before six o'clock.. or even five..

I just moved back to Oregon last week (more on this some other time).  found the most adorable little cottage to rent (that's a whole other blog post too).  I came with my whole life packed into my little Nissan Versa, so absolutely no furniture fit.  I was able to buy a little dining room set yesterday though, and my breakfast nook has a huge window, with some of my crystals and stones set along the ledge.  outside my window, my camellia tree is blossoming. pink flowers and petals sprinkle the lawn too, like confetti on a cake. how funny that I used that metaphor.. because my Mama placed camellia flowers on my first birthday cake.

I just made myself a cup of Earl Grey tea, am cozied in a cardigan that my secret santa gave me last Christmas, and my "Ew, David" socks..

and here I sit.


wow.


deep breaths.


this whole week has been surreal.  just processing and realizing that I am home.  living in Texas for the last two years seems like a past life.  it has been an adjustment, for sure.  being back. being here.  I have done the whole "big move" before but this feels different in so many ways.  not only because I grew and changed so much while in Texas, but also because in there, I had a different mindset.  a different way of doing things.  of coping.  and here, back in Oregon, I catch myself having to remind my heart and brain that we are home.. and free.. and I can embrace my true self again.  not that I wasn't before, but it was more of a bitter process.  a planting and burying season.  that's what I've decided to call my life in Texas. 

but now, it's time to  b l o o m.  to flourish.  and what a perfect time to. my birthday is in one week.  it is officially spring.  Aries season.


my season.